


Just keep it up, the sun will rise soon

by Jaemins_smile



Series: It's okay to be hurt [3]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Anal Fingering, Bottom Choi San, Depression, Dom Jung Wooyoung, Eating Disorders, Engagement, Flashbacks, Gay Sex, Hospitalization, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mingi & San are best friends, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, San deserves better pt2 :(, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sub Choi San, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Top Jung Wooyoung, Wooyoung is an asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22925662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaemins_smile/pseuds/Jaemins_smile
Summary: It was definitely a bad idea to let Wooyoung back in, all it seemed to cause was more pain, doubt, and made San hate himself even more.Maybe if he hadn't let Wooyoung back in that night he wouldn't be where he was now, in this stupid fucking hospital.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Series: It's okay to be hurt [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1608328
Comments: 11
Kudos: 36





	Just keep it up, the sun will rise soon

**Author's Note:**

> Same thing as always! Trigger warning for literally every tag up there! Please make sure you thoroughly read all of the tags before proceeding! This fic might be the worst one yet so please proceed with caution.  
> Yo have been warned t read the tags and if you have failed to do so i will not be Heald accountable for your actions of continuing on and possibly getting triggered! 
> 
> Now! Thank you to everyone who has been supporting this series so far, I feel like the next part will be the last and I also feel like it's going to be pretty short haha

Things were weird between San and Wooyoung now, it hurt San deeply, he never wanted this to happen

Wooyoung promised nothing would change, he lied. Again.

He wasn't there for San anymore, didn't ask if anything was wrong, didn't check on his eating habits, didn't help San when he needed it most.

It was like they were strangers again

San felt so alone, like he did sophomore year of high school.

He was quickly falling back into that headspace as well, he felt as if he really should just die, he felt as though he didn't belong in this world and everyone would have a much better life without him in it.

He hadn't felt this depressed and awful since the last time he seen...him.

_"San?"_

_San turned around at the mention of his name, smiling face immediately falling into that of pure fear and shock._

_"Wow, it really is you." He scoffed and looked the younger up and down._

_"You here with someone?" San nodded pathetically in response to the question. He heard the older chuckle and move towards him._

_He leaned down to San's level and whispered in his ear, "Why do you try so hard San-ah? We both know that you'll never be good enough for anyone, that you can never satisfy anyone in the way they need, no one will ever love you San so I'd suggest that you stop trying so fucking hard."_

_"You try so damn hard to make everyone love you but in the end you just look like a little slut, you just aren't good enough to have people love you, you deserve nothing. Oh wait yes you do, you deserve to suffer, you deserve to be depressed and abused, you deserve to die, die alone at that."_

_"This new person you are with deserves so much better than you. A literal crack addict is better than you. You're such a disgusting skanky whore. I feel bad for the person you're with San, do they know about what you are?" He rambled on and on in San's ear, making the young boy feel like absolute shit._

_"Do they know that you are an absolute slut that can't go a second without being fucked? A disgusting human that can't stand to not cut himself for one fucking second? A little tramp that can't keep his food down? A stupid whore that would do anything for attention?" He smirked when he heard San's whimpers._

_"Do they know how much of a slut you are for cock? How you would beg and cry until you got what you wanted? How you would do absolutely anything just to sit on a dick?" He licked San's ear and pulled away, looking down disapprovingly at San._

_"Stop." San whimpered and hung his head. He felt violated and disgusting, his hands were shaking as he tried to keep his cool._

_"You're even more pathetic than when I was with you." He grabbed San's chin, forcing him to look up._

_"Just give up San, we both know you want to. Just fucking do it already, we would all be better off without you." He let go and walked away, leaving San alone with his loudly beating heart._

San had unknowingly started crying, soaking the pillow underneath his head, only did he realize when he heard a shocked gasp from Wooyoung.

"Baby what's wrong?"

He grunted and turned over so his back was facing the younger.

"San, what's wrong? You can talk to me." He placed a gentle hand on San's shoulder, rubbing slightly.

Yeah that's what you said last time, is what San wanted to say but bit his togue instead. He didn't want to start another fight.

"Nothing, it doesn't matter." He muttered, he just wanted this conversation to be over so he could go back to thinking.

"San, my sweet baby, if it's making you cry than it does matter."

San sighed deeply and buried his face in his pillow, "I said it doesn't matter Wooyoung." His sadness was showing through his voice, it was higher than normal and cracked somewhere in the middle of speaking.

"Baby?" He asked sadly and kissed his shoulder softly in attempts to make San feel better.

He knew he hadn't been being a good boyfriend but he didn't think it would do this to San, was he the reason San was like this? Or was it something else?

"Talk to me please, it's okay. You can trust me." After that night he vowed to never yell at or get angry at San, not after he hurt him so badly.

"No it's not okay!" His yell was muffled only slightly by the pillow. His whole body was shaking with the force of his sobs, what was he soupposed to do? San wouldn't talk to him so what was there he could do.

He stayed silent after that, thinking of what to do.

Going off the silence San assumed his boyfriend left him, this was normal now. His chest heaved at the realization that Wooyoung left him, his chest hurt, his heart hurt.

He must look absolutely pathetic curled up on the bed, his small body shaking as he cried his eyes out.

His throat was dry and it burnt as he continued to sob loudly, his head was throbbing from crying so hard. His eyes stung as streams of tears rolled down his face and onto the pillow, fuck, he was disgusting.

He really would never be enough for anyone. How could anyone ever love him? He was a mess. An emotional train wreck that was stuck in a time loop, doomed to forever repeat itself.

His breath hitched when he felt arms around his waist and a body against, "It's okay baby boy, I got you." Wooyoung whispered in his ear before kissing his temple gently.

This was the first time since their fight that Wooyoung had been there for him, it only made San cry harder, his boyfriend was back, he was there again. He was finally back in his amazing boyfriends arms, he felt safe, like he was at home, his safe place.

"You're okay San baby, I've got you, it's okay." His voice was so soft and calming, it helped San calm his cries slightly. His hand in San's hair easing the pain he felt in his head. The arm around his waist bringing him comfort. The body against his own brought him happiness and security.

He didn't know exactly when he blacked out but when he woke up he was wrapped in Wooyoung's arms, pressed firmly against his chest.

It made him smile brightly, his first genuine smile in a long time. This was what he needed all a long, Wooyoung.

He kissed his collarbone lightly, just barely grazing his lips over it, and then wiggled his way out of his youger boyfriends arms to go get ready for work.

He sighed as he finished up in the shower and got dressed quickly, as much as he hated his job he couldn't afford to be late, especially not when it was his early shift and they were currently understaffed so he had take a second shift.

He really needed to find a better job, his managers and co-workers (except his friends of course) were all just plain awful to him and most of the time pretended he didn't exist. The costumers that came to the restaurant were almost always terrible people and we're the most bitchy people alive.

They overworked him, gave him more work than he was capable of, they liked watching him struggle.

They did it to all of the small petite workers like him. Aka him and Hongjoong.

He was going to find a better job soon, maybe that would help with his mental state.

"What's on your mind baby boy?" Wooyoung asked from the doorway of the bathroom, his hair was messy and was sticking up in all directions, it was honestly very cute.

"Just work." He shrugged his shoulders and continued his morning routine, trying to ignore the seductive look Wooyoung was giving him.

"Hm...I say, screw work and stay here with me." He kept his eyes on San as he crossed the small bathroom and stood behind San, arms around his waist and chin on his shoulder.

"Can't, we need the money." He said before giggling as a kiss was pressed against his neck, and another behind his ear.

"C'mon, one day won't hurt." He licked San's neck and pressed his already hard cock against San's ass.

Who was San to deny his dom? He turned around in Wooyoung's arms and kissed him deeply, rolling his hips against his partners.

The little moans and whines that came from San were maybe the most beautiful sounds Wooyoung had ever heard, he wanted to hear more.

He pushed his hand down the front of San's pants, rubbing him exactly right, applying the perfect amount of pressure to where San was whining loudly and begging for more.

"W-Wooyoung, want you, please please please." He panted and pulled Wooyoung's hair.

"Patience baby boy."

He pulled San into his arms and carried him out of the bathroom, sucking dark marks on his neck in the process.

He set the older on the bed, pushing him onto his stomach. He had his mind set on one thing and one thing only.

He pulled San's pants off of him and spanked him lightly, smirking when San squeaked in response.

He leaned down and kissed his tailbone and then moved further down, spreading San open, practically drooling at the sight before him.

He licked San's hole, earning a whimper from the older. He took that as a sign to keep going.

He licked him again before pressing his mouth against his hole and sucking hard, poking against his rim with his tongue.

San moaned loudly and pushed his hips back, begging for more. The tongue against him felt so good that he need moem of it.

Wooyoung smirked again and pushed his tongue in and out, fucking his needy boyfriend with it.

"A-ah! Wooyoung!" He whimpered and pressed his face into the mattress to quiet the sounds he was making

He stroked San's thighs while he fucked him with his tongue, silently calming him down.

The little gasps and whines San was letting out made Wooyoung's dick painfully hard to the point where he couldn't wait any longer. He pulled his tongue out and reached into the bedside table for the lube.

He made quick work of fingering San as to not delay things further. He pulled his pants off along with his boxers and sat down against the head board and pat his lap.

"Come here baby boy." He smiled softly when San crawled into his lap and straddled him.

He pouted his lips and hugged Wooyoung around the neck, "Can Sanie put it in?" His voice was no more than a whisper.

"Yeah baby." He rubbed San's back comfortingly as he lifted himself up and positioned Wooyoung's dick against his hole, sinking down slowly.

For some reason, only minutes into riding Wooyoung, San's chest tightened uncomfortably and tears welled in his eyes. He stopped all movements and instead wrapped his arms around Wooyoung's neck and buried his face in his shoulder.

There was something wrong about this all, something San couldn't quite explain.

"Baby? Hey, what's going on?" Wooyoung asked.

"I don't know." He sobbed in reply  
He really didn't know what was going on, he just wanted to stop.

"I'm sorry Wooyoung, I can't finish, I'm so sorry Woo, I didn't mean to start and not finish I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for not helping you finish." His cries became louder with every second.

He felt guilty for not being able to finish with Wooyoung, for not being able to bring his partner to the finish, for leaving him with a raging hard boner

"Don't worry about it sweetheart, it's okay, I don't want to finish if you aren't comfortable with this anymore, that's the last thing I want." He kissed San's shoulder and pulled the older boy off his dick.

Yes he was a little disappointed he didn't get to finish but true to his words he did not want to do anything with his boyfriend if he was uncomfortable with it. That's the last thing he would do to San.

Yes he was still painfully hard but he could deal with that later, right now he needed to be there for San, it was clear something was wrong.

"It's not okay!" San yelled and slammed his fist against the headboard.

"I don't even know what's wrong!" He crawled off Wooyoung and pulled on a pair of sweatpants from their laundry basket of clean clothes.

"Calm down San."

"I won't calm down! This is so stupid! I'm so stupid, I can't even have sex without fucking it up and having a breakdown! There isn't anything for me to be upset about Woo!" He sobbed into his hands, his legs felt like the would give out at any second.

His heart ached along with his chest as the force of his sobs wracked through his entire body. He didn't understand what was happening to him. Why he felt so wrong having sex with Wooyoung.

He'd never felt like this before, what changed?

Wooyoung sighed deeply, pulled a pair of sweats on and stood from his place on the bed and wrapped San in a tight warm embrace.

He knew San was really messed up and had random episodes where he would breakdown for no reason, he was used to this.

He sometimes wished that San wasnt like this and he didn't have mental issues or anything like that and that San really was just normal.

It was exhausting to have to deal with it constantly, don't get him wrong, he loved San with his entire being but he needed a break sometimes, he needed a shoulder to cry on too, he knew that San would always be there for him but he would feel bad unloading all of his feelings onto his boyfriend, especially in the fragile state he was in.

He kept things bottled up a majority of the time, other times he would go to Yeosang and cry. Not San, never San.

He just wished for one day that things were different.

"I can't do this."

San jerked away from him and ran out of the room. Wooyoung knew exactly where he was going.

Bathroom.

He ran after San only to have the door slammed in his face. San's sobs were loud from inside the bathroom, banging and clanging could be heard inside.

"Baby listen to me. Whatever is going on, don't give in. You're stronger than that Choi San! Fight whatever is hurting you baby, you can't let it win!"

The bathroom went silent. And then a metallic clank rang through it.

 _Fuck_ was what Wooyoung immediately thought.

He saw this coming, he knew what happened without being told or seeing anything.

For the second time Wooyoung busted the door down to be able to help San.

The sight of his boyfriend shocked him to the core.

Tears were pouring from his eyes as his body shaked with silent sobs, he was gripping his left wrist tight, blood running past his fingers, more blood spilling from his other wrist.

"I'm so sorry." He gasped out and curled in on himself, hiding his wrists from view of Wooyoung's eyes.

"Baby.."

Everything else went by in a blur, Wooyoung called an ambulance not long before San passed out from shock, and was taken away.

Wooyoung of course went along with San in the ambulance, fearing for his boyfriends life, not wanting to be away from him for a second.

As soon as they were at the hospital San was taken away to get stabilized and make sure his wrists didn't get infected.

Wooyoung knew he shouldn't have done it but he called San's parents, they had the right to know that their son was in the hospital after almost killing himself.

"Who's this?" Mrs. Choi's voice came from the other line, she sounded like she had just woken up.

"This is Wooyoung, San's boyfriend."

There was a moment of silence and then Mr. Choi's voice sounded next, "What do you want young man? San has made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with us."

"San is in the hospital. He tried to kill himself, I know he doesn't want anything to do with you two but I thought you should know." He said softly and as quietly as possible.

"He did what!? Is he alright? Is my baby gonna be okay?" Mrs. Choi spoke again. Despite everything her son had said to her last time they spoke she still loved him dearly and cared for him deeply.

"He's fine now ma'am. That's all I wanted to say, good bye." He hung up and waited impatiently until he was allowed to see San.

He was at San's side as soon as he could, rubbing soothing patterns in his hand as he waited for him to wake up.

A smile was on his face as soon as his eyes opened, they were apologetic and guilty. "Wooyoung...I'm sorry." He slurred.

"Baby there is nothing to be sorry about, if anyone should be sorry it's me." He kissed San's forehead and ran his fingers through the soft locks.

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't help you and I did something stupid." He sighed and dropped his boyfriends hand.

"Wooyoung. What did you do?" His voice was shaking.

"I called your parents."

San's stomach dropped. His face twisted in horror. What the fuck was he thinking!?

"Wooyoung why the hell would call my parents!? What the fuck!?" San was seething.

"You tried to kill yourself San! Your parents had the right to know!"

"That's my decision to make, not yours! It's my decision to tell my parents what's going on with me! It's my decision if I want them to know I just tried to kill myself and am in the hospital! How dare you take that from me? You know what they've done Wooyoung, what were you thinking?" San was angry crying now, he was so mad at the younger that he couldn't even look at him.

"Just go. Go! Please leave Wooyoung, I can't even look at you right now."

Wooyoung left without a word, he knew he fucked up, he knew shouldn't have done it, but at the moment he thought he was doing right, he thought it was the good thing to do, oh how wrong he was about that.

The wouldn't come to the hospital or anything, right?

He hoped not, all that would result in is more pain on San's end, more stress, anxiety, anger. Everything San has tried so hard for three years to overcome and cope with.

San let the dam to his tears break as soon as he heard the door click, signalling that Wooyoung was gone.

He found it so incredibly hard to believe Wooyoung would actually call those people to tell them what he had done, that's what they wanted to hear, the were just waiting for San to finally crack, they both knew it.

Now he had to suffer with the fear of them actually showing up at the hospital all thanks to Wooyoung.

He was working so hard to get past everything that they had done to him, worked so hard to deal with the trauma they inflicted on him, all the pain they dealt him, the fear they brought to him that hasn't left even after years of being away from them

The anxiety he felt bubbling in his stomach was unbearable, the pain in his wrists excruciating, only adding to the sickness he felt.

He was so fucked up, he hated himself. He wished he had acted sooner and ran his wrists under warm water to force them to keep bleeding. He wished he died

He couldn't do this anymore, he just wanted it all to be over already

He couldn't deal with the constant anxiety in his chest, the never ending thoughts of killing himself, the always hanging cloud of depression and self hatred looming over his head.

The almost always present feeling of someone breathing down his neck waiting for him to mess up again was agonizing and so angering and stressful.

He was broken from his thoughts when the door clicked open, he sighed and rubbed his face with his hands, leaving them over his eyes for a moment "Wooyoung I told you to leave, I don't want to speak to you or even look at your right now." He dropped his hands to his lap frustratedly.

He swore that his heart leapt out of his chest like it did in cartoons. Both of his parents stood in front of him, looking guilty.

His hands were shaking, he didn't know what to do.

"Oh baby." His mom breathed out, her hands covering her mouth as tears glistened in her eyes.

"So it's true then.. you really did hurt yourself?" His father asked quietly.

"Yeah I did, have been for a long time, thanks for that by the way. Thank you so much for fucking me up so badly that I've resulted to this. This isn't the first time by the way, it's the third." He let it sink in.

"Yep, that's right. The third time I've been hospitalized because of this shit, thanks Dad. Oh but that's right! You wouldn't remember it! You were always passed out drunk at home while I was here! Thinking of the next best way I could attempt to off myself! Best dad ever, congratu fucking lations Dad, you did great being there for you son." He clapped his hands loudly as he spoke.

All of his pent up anger from years and years of bottling it up was spilling over, he didn't even care anymore, he wanted his dad to know just how much of a piece of shit he was in San's eyes.

He glared hard at his dad as he remained silent, he scoffed and turned to his mom, "And you, don't even act like you fucking care, you never did, never have, and never will. If you did care about me you would have done something about your husband beating your son to the point of him crying and begging his own father to have mercy on him and not kill him."

"If it weren't for you two I probably wouldn't be in this bed right now, if it weren't for you two I probably wouldn't be as fucked up in the head as I am! Even my own fucking boyfriend hates me for the way I am! You wanna know how badly you fucked me up? I haven't been able to eat properly for five Fucking years because of you! I have tried to kill myself multiple times because you guys made me feel that badly about myself! You two and that piece of shit boyfriend you guys insisted I got!" He was now full on crying as he yelled at his parents.

He didn't exactly hate his ex, he knew he only treated San badly because his parents told him to.

It felt good to finally let it out, finally scream at them, see them squirm as their son yelled at them.

"I have cut almost every fucking inch of flesh on my arms because your guys words have hurt me so deeply that I still suffer from them to this day." He sobbed and rubbed furiously at his eyes.

"I hate myself so much because you two destroyed me from the inside out, I want to die I hate myself so much. I don't fucking deserve to live, I just want to fucking die and end my suffering already." He breathed heavily and pointed at the door.

"Fucking leave! Never come near me again, never speak to me again! Jus leave me alone already! Haven't you made me suffer enough!?" His words were broken and high in pitch as he continued crying.

His chest was uncomfortably tight as his parents left the room, as much he despised the thought, he still loved his parents despite all they've done to him in his life time.

He hated himself for pushing them out of his life but he also loved himself for having the strength and bravery to do it.

He took unsteady and uneven breathes as he tried calling himself down and stabilize himself once more.

He could really use a hug right about now, or at least a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Unwillingly memories flooded his mind again

" _You're so gross San, stop eating so much." His mother groaned and pulled his chopsticks from his hand._

_He gaped at her, his face flushing pink. He hadn't even finished half his plate yet! What was she talking about?_

_"He's a pig, what'd you expect?" His father grunted as slammed his eighth beer of the night._

_"I've barely eaten anything though." He replied weakly. He didn't understand what the problem was, sure he ate a bit occasionally, but he was a growing fifteen year old boy, of course he would eat a lot._

_"Shut it." He father growled._

_San was quick to shut up after that._

_"Jeez San, you've gained so much weight what's wrong with you?" His boyfriend asked as he poked San's incredibly flat stomach._

_"He's a pig, he can't help himself." His mother chirped from her chair on the opposite side of the room_

_San felt tiny, he wanted to disappear. He didn't think he gained weight at all, if anything he lost it._

_"So gross, don't touch me." He shoved San off him and straightened his jacket and turned to San's dad to talk._

_San unconsciously placed a hand on his flat tummy, had he really gotten so fat he was gross? He felt tears prick in his eyes as he stood from the couch and headed to the bathroom._

_He shoved two fingers down his throat once he was situated comfortably in front of the toilet, forcing the little bit of food in his stomach to be hacked back up._

_He stepped out of the bathroom after he had brushed his teeth after he was finished puking, the taste of puke was very unpleasant._

_He laid back on the couch with his boyfriend, happy to see his parents were gone. whining and crawling in between his legs, he buried his head in the olders shoulder._

_"Please hug me. Don't feel good." He spoke softly, barely even audible to his own ears._

_The older sighed and wrapped one arm around San, resting his hand on his lower back, running the fingers on his other hand through his hair, he pressed the gentlest kiss to San's head and then rested his head on San's._

_"Poor thing. Rest some and then you'll feel better."_

San shook his head breaking himself from the memories, he didn't want to think of them, they brought him to much pain.

He wished he could just get those memories removed from his brain, if it were possible he would've done it years ago.

He didn't want remember him, or his parents, he didn't want to remember anything before he turned eighteen.

Wooyoung knocked hesitantly on the door to San's room before stepping inside, he knew right away tat his parents had visited after all.

Fresh tears tracks stained his cheeks.

"Baby I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, I'm glad they came. I got out all my anger at them." He smiled at his boyfriend proudly and opened his arms for a hug.

"I'm so proud of you baby." He hugged San tight and kissed his lips, smiling against them.

He didn't think San would ever confront his parents or let out his anger on them, he has never been able to, he'd like to give himself some credit for it actually.

San was released the next day, his wrists were wrapped and he was given some meditation recommendations and therapy as well.

The previous night, Wooyoung decided to do something life changing for both of them, he felt that it was time, that they had finnaly reached that point in their lives, yes the were only twenty two but they were with each other since they were seventeen.

Once inside their crappy little apartment Wooyoung grabbed San's hands and kissed both of them before wrapping his boyfriend in a hug.

"San, I love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I can't imagine my life without you in it. You're so amazing and kind, I love everything about you, San. You mean so much to me and I cherish you and every moment I have with you, so please San, will you do me the honor of taking my hand and staying with me for the rest of our lives?"

San stared at him in shock, taking a step back from him when he got down on one knee and pulled a small box from his coat pocket, "Woo-Wooyoung."

"Choi San, will you marry me?" He asked, beaming up at his boyfriend as he waited for the answer that he hoped would be yes.

San stared at the small ring for a moment before he got down on both knees to hug Wooyoung, "Of course I will dumb dumb." He kissed Wooyoung firmly and fought the urge to cry.

He didn't think that anyone would ever love him enough to want to spend the rest of their life with him. It came as a shock to him, they both might be making a huge mistake right now but he could care less about that right now, all he cared about was Wooyoung, and how much he loved him.

He would probably regret this later, he was after all in a very bad place and was very not okay with Wooyoung, he was questioning their relationship and hadn't really had time to figure out what was going on with that yet.

It would be okay right? It was just a little aftermath from their fght that would pass soon...right?

"I love you Wooyoung." Did he?

Several nights later San laid in bed, restless as ever, the man he was soupposed to love at his side, snoring softly.

He thought back to the night of their fight, Wooyoung asked him one question that San couldn't stop thinking of.

Do you think I'm lying when I tell you that I love you? Do you think this is all some joke?

Was it a joke? Maybe it was, but not on Wooyoung's part, on San's.  
Did he really love Wooyoung or was he just using him to fill the void he felt in his heart.

San knew that he loved Wooyoung, he was his best friend, his soulmate, but did they love each other to the same extent?

He didn't get where this was coming from all of a sudden. He's never doubted his love for Wooyoung but lately he had been, he's been doubting everything.

Maybe he was still upset over the fight and he was just being dramatic again, of course he loved Wooyoung. With his whole heart and soul.

He sighed deeply and stood from the bed and headed to the bathroom.

He gripped the sink edge tightly as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. He barely recognized himself, not in the physical sense either.

He was a completely different person than he used to be, he hated the person he saw in the mirror.

It was almost imposible for San to look at himself, he was gross, ugly as sin, a disgrace, a disgusting fag.

San couldn't stand this person he saw in the mirror, a coward is what this person was. A horrid coward that was doubting the one good thing in his life, the one good thing thats been in his life for as long as he could remember.

The light at the end of the tunnel, the one thing that could lift him up when he was down, the one thing that never failed to make his bad days good, the one thing that's kept him alive this long.

He doubted the love of his life, his dear sweet Wooyoung.

He wished things were different for Wooyoung, he wished that he could be a better person for him. San wanted to be the perfect version of himself for Wooyoung.

He wished he could give Wooyoung something better than what he had, he didn't have anything good to give Wooyoung, all he had with him was painful memories of his life before college, emotional baggage, and suicidal tendencies 24/7 .

Wooyoung deserved so much more than that, he knew that all of his fucked up shit took a toll on Wooyoung. San knew that he would go to Yeosang when it got too much for him, he hated himself for doing that to Wooyoung.

He wished Wooyoung would trust him enough to go to him with his problems. San wanted to return all of the kindness Wooyoung had showed him over the years, he wanted to help.

San knew Wooyoung would never go to him, he claimed that San was to fragile to deal with hearing anyone else's problems.

Yes he was fucked up right now but that didn't have to stop him from helping his own boyfriend. He's never not been capable of helping others through their problems even when he was in a fragile mental state himself.

He just wanted Wooyoung to trust him again.

He hung his head as tears silently made their way from his eyes, why did he have to be so messed up?

He rubbed the tears from his eyes and stared at his wrists, still bandaged and stitched. The white wraps a constant reminder of what a failure he was, constantly reminding him that he didn't deserve Wooyoung or any of his friends.

God he just wanted to die already, he couldn't live with himself anymore.

The amount of willpower it took for him to get up in the morning and continue on with his life was ridiculous, it was exhausting.

And that's the sick thing, he wasn't continuing on with his life, he was stuck in one place, never continuing the journey. He would stay stuck in that place as long as he kept dwelling on his past and crying over it, wishing he could've done it differently.

He took in a deep breath and rested his head in his hands, he shouldn't be doing this right now, he should be in bed with his fiance.

Once San recollected himself he made his way back to Wooyoung's side, laying his head on his chest. His heartbeat calming and lulling San ti sleep.

San was trying so hard to work past his insecurities and his struggles he really was, but how was he soupposed to do that when his fiance was getting angry at him for not doing it without any bumps in the road?

It seemed that as the days went on Wooyoung only got meaner about it all, San was at his breaking point.

"Why are you doing this to me?" San questioned Wooyoung quietly after one of their fights that were becoming more and more frequent.

"Doing what to you?" His voice was sharp and piercing, making San flinch and almost wish he hadn't said anything.

"You say that you want to help me with everything and that you won't get mad at me but you don't help and you get mad at me for things I have no control over. Do you realize how bad that makes me feel?" His voice was thick with emotion as he spoke, sounding pathetic to his own ears, he must sound even worse to Wooyoung.

"I know it's a lot to deal with but the least you could do is be nice to me, Wooyoung."

"Yeah, it is a lot to deal with, San. And it's so frustrating ot me that you aren't even trying to fix this." He ran a hand through his hair trying not to regret his words when he seen shock spread in his fiances face.

"Excuse me? I'm not trying to fix it!? Are you fucking serious right now Jung Wooyoung? What do you think I've been doing the past four years!? Fucking around and wallowing in self-pity!?" He scream in Wooyoung's face.

It was rare that San ever got this mad but when he did, he became a very intimidating and scary individual.

"I didn't say that."

"You sure as hell implied it!"

San took a deep breath and placed a hand over his heart, waiting till it regulated some to peak once again.

"Wooyoung, the things I've been through do not heal over night, it takes a lot of work and time to be able to move past it, especially when people keep reopening the wound and making it deeper than it already was." He stated bluntly.

"You wouldn't fucking understand what I battle with everyday, what amount of will power it takes me to get up and continue with my life, what it feels like to be belittled by people for every little thing you do. Wooyoung have you ever once thought to look at this from my point of view?"

In all honesty he hadn't, he had only thought of San's problem frim his own point of view, he never took in to consideration how it actually affected his fiance.

"You know what I've been through better than anyone, you seen it first hand, and yet you're still acting like this is easier than I'm making it." He was trying to hold back his tears, tears Wooyoung had caused again.

"I'm sorry San, I didn't think of it that way." How moved to hug San but was quickly pushed away and glared at.

"Yeah clearly you didn't, Wooyoung. You never see things from my point of view, you don't think of how your words and actions affect me. Do you realize how much it hurts me to know that you go to _Yeosang_ instead of _me_ to vent to? I'm your fucking fiance Wooyoung." He was crying now, he had to admit he felt a bit manipulative crying in this situation but hey, this was two years of frustration he was letting out, of course he would cry.

"You know about that?" Wooyoung asked softly.

"Of course I fucking know about that, I'm not stupid!"

Wooyoung was shocked, he didn't know how he would've found out about that, it didn't make any sense, he didn't want San to know, he knew that it would just make San feel bad.

He ran his hand through his hair before letting out a loud sound of frustration, this was the first time he got really mad during their fights, "God! I just wish you could understand what this is like for me. You claim to have had a bad life to but fuck Wooyoung you only say that when it's convenient for you! You don't understand what it's like to have an actually fucked up life!"

Now it was Wooyoung's turn to be mad, "What did you just say? Now you're belittling my problems, San. I did have a messed up life, especially in my childhood, don't you dare try to make it out to be less than it was!" He had moved closer to San as he yelled, making the older back up in fear.

Wooyoung knew exactly what he was doing and took advantage of it, he knew it was wrong to use San's trauma against him like this but he felt it was the only way to get him to listen.

"Now you listen to me San. Just because not all of us cry about our past every day of our life doesn't mean we haven't been through shit in our life as well! Do you realize how awful you're being? You're putting down my bad experience with life just because it wasn't as awful as yours!" He had backed San up so far that he was now pressed against the wall, practically cowering in fear.

Wooyoung could care less about that right now.

"You're scaring me." San spoke quickly as Wooyoung kept coming closer. His hands went up in front of him as if to protect himself from something.

"Shut up! You need to learn to get over yourself and realize not everything is about you and that the world doesn't only revolve around you! I've put up with your shit for damn near seven years and I've had it! Get your shit together Choi San! Do you understand!?" He had his hands on either side of San, keeping him in place pressed against the wall.

The older was shaking with fear, probably on the verge of a panic attack, he still didn't care, he needed verbal affirmation that he would get his shit together.

"Answer me!"

San sobbed loudly and turned away from Wooyoung, crying into his hands, shaking violently, taking deep ragged breaths.

It felt like his airways we're closing as seconds ticked by. Despite the state he was in Wooyoung still wouldn't back down.

He forcefully turned San back towards himself and pried his hands from his face, "Do you fucking understand me?" He asked between gritted teeth.

He gripped San's wrists tightly as he waited for his answer, ignoring the fat tears running down San's cheeks.

"Ah! Wooyoung, you're hurting me! Let go!" San scream and wrestled his wrists away from the younger.

He shoved Wooyoung away after that and slid down the wall and hugged his aching wrists to his chest. He had stopped crying and was instead shaking and sniffling every now and then.

San's panicked yelling was what snapped Wooyoung out of it, fuck, he really just did that to San hadn't he?

His precious San that had a bad history with that kind of thing. He couldn't stop fucking up could he?

"Oh fuck, San." He pulled San's hand away from his chest and examined the still healing cut on his wrist, it was inflamed, an angry red.

"I'm going out." San ripped his hand away from Wooyoung and stood from his place on the ground.

He grabbed his wallet, keys, phone, and coat from the bed(didn't want a repeat of last time), ignoring Wooyoung's words of protest.

It was the same as always, " _San, you're not in the right headspace to be alone." , "Don't go San, I'm sorry." , "San you could get hurt!" , "You're to fragile to go out alone right now."_

"I'm not a doll Wooyoung! I can fucking take care of myself! Stop treating me like I'm a piece of glass that's going to shatter at any second." His voice was loud, perhaps to loud, it shut up Wooyoung up though.

He took the opportunity to leave.

 _Wait_.

He turned around to face Wooyoung, who sported a nasty glare.

He ripped the skinny silver band off his finger and threw it at Wooyoung's head, "fuck you." He spit out, raising his middle finger and with that he left their crappy apartment, slamming the door behind himself.

He pulled his phone out and called the first person he thought of. His best friend of all time. Mingi.

" _Hey San! What's up?_ " Mingi's voice was cheerful on the other line, bringing a small smile to San's face.

"Hey Mingi. I was wondering if I could stay with you for a few nights?" His question was asked hesitantly.

He could hear Mingi sigh from the other line. It was nothing secret that him and Wooyoung had been fighting, everyone knew.

" _Of course San, you're always welcome here."_ Mingi replied sadly.

"Thanks Mingi, you're the best, I love you."

 _"I love you too man, see ya later._ " With that he hung up.

For now San just wanted to drive to clear his head, that's what he needed right now.

About an hour into driving he pulled over to a convenience store, for what? He didn't exactly know, he just did.

He mindlessly walked through the store, skimming over the products before he heard his name being called.

He turned the sound, his brain malfunctioning for a moment before he went into defense mode.

He glared at the man infront of him and raised his fists.

The other man chuckled and raised his hands letting San know he posed no threat to him, "I'm not going to hurt you San." His voice was the gentlest San had ever heard it.

"What do you want?"

"To make sure you're okay. Your parents told me what happened and not a week later I find you here crying and babbling to yourself." The man took one step closer to San, a kind smile on his face as he looked at the younger.

He slowly lowered his fists but the glare remained, "You still talk to them?"

The other shook his head, "No, they said some pretty awful things the last time I spoke to them and decided that wasn't for me. I'm already a lot happier now that they're out of my life." He said, laughing bitterly.

"San, I know it's way to late now and it's not enough but I'm so deeply sorry for everything I did to you." He bowed infront of San at the end of his sentence.

He was not expecting that.

"Sorry will never be enough, not after I hurt you so horribly. I don't expect to be forgiven, not in a million years, I just wanted you to know that I deeply regret everything I've done to you. I know you hate me now and this will mean nothing to you but San I really did love you back then and I regret treating you that way." He spoke sadly, as if he really did regret what he had done.

San sighed and looked at the older with sadness, "I don't hate you stupid, I never did. And I forgave you for everything a long time ago. Now give me hug and we'll be even." The other smiled, complying he hugged San, tight and warm. Everything San longed for when he was still with him.

Of course San knew he shouldn't have forgiven him but how could he not?

Come on, this was his first love they were talking about, someone he still cared about, this was someone he could never hate, not in a million years.

This was Maddox they were talking about! One of his best friends before his parents forced them into a relationship. 

"You big stupid head, you should've cut ties with them long ago, I mean look at me, I'm doing great without them In my life." He said sarcastically. 

Truth be told, he wasn't doing better without them, he was struggling in every aspect of life, at times like these a normal person would look to their parents for support and a warm hug, San didn't get to have that luxury. 

"You don't look like you're doing fine, you want to talk about it?" Maddox asked with a tilt of his head. He was always obnoxiously cute, it pissed San off. 

"What's there to talk about? I'm fucked up in here." He tapped a finger on the side of his head, "And my fiance hated me for it and treated me like shit even after he swore he would never do that to me." 

Maddox hugged him tighter and ran his hand through San's hair, "Wooyoung right? I'm sorry San, must make you feel awful." 

He nodded against the older man's shoulder. 

"Don't let it get to you San, you've been through a lot of shit in your life, you're so strong, you can handle this as well okay? Just keep it up so everyone can see that you're a strong young man and you can overcome anything. You're doing great San." 

San for some reason felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders in that moment. Words of reassurance, a warm hug that kept him grounded. 

He felt at ease, and like he really was doing great. 

Maybe he was doing great, after all, he had survived this long, he was overcoming all of his problems, slowly but surely. He made it final about not wanting toxic people in his life anymore, that alone was a big step for him

He set himself free in a sense, he really was doing great. 

All it took for him to realize that was an old friend and a warm hug. 

"Thanks maddox." San smiled and hugged him a little tighter. 

Maddox made him realize that he really was strong, he really could overcome everything life decided to throw at him, he just needed time to do so, everyone did. 

Maybe he had already overcome his problems and Wooyoung was just making him feel so bad that he got it into his head that he hadn't. 

Maybe all along what he needed to do was leave Wooyoung, even though he loved Wooyoung with his whole heart. 

You can't always keep people you love in your life, shit happens and sometimes you have to leave them behind even if you really don't want to. 

Sometimes the people you love the most end up being the people that make you feel the worst about yourself. 

**Author's Note:**

> As I said previously, I tried to make this one longer than the others and I kinda failed but also didn't?? It's still pretty short but it's one of the longest things I've ever written so it's an accomplishment in my books
> 
> This also took a lot longer than I originally thought it would but I think it was worth it, let me know if you think so. 
> 
> Yes there was smut in this part, which by the way was very embarrassing to write, I wrote it in like ten minutes so it's very bad I'm sorry TT
> 
> Again, thank you to my amazing beta reader (RaspberryNCTea, go check them out) he actually helped me with a large portion of this one so it really wouldn't be here without him, he's the best.


End file.
